The 3E’s of Parenting Resistant Children: A Path to Positive Engagement

Engage resistant children with 3Es: Explain, Explore, Empower [Image by Freepik]

Parenting a strong-willed, resistant child can feel like you’re constantly hitting a wall. The tantrums, the defiance, the power struggles—it’s enough to make anyone second-guess their approach. But what if we told you there’s a way to navigate these challenges that doesn’t involve yelling or giving in?

Enter the 3E’s of Parenting Resistant Children: Explain, Explore, and Empower. These three principles can not only help you connect better with your child, but also foster a relationship built on respect and mutual understanding.

1. EXPLAIN: Set the Stage for Understanding

The first E is all about helping your child understand the “why” behind your rules or expectations. Too often, resistant children push back because they feel like they’re being told what to do without knowing why it’s important. The more we explain—calmly and clearly—the easier it becomes for our children to see the reasoning behind our decisions.

Think of it this way: imagine someone told you to do something without any explanation. You might feel frustrated, confused, or even rebellious. But if they sat down with you and explained their reasoning, it would probably make more sense, right?

Let’s say your child doesn’t want to clean up their toys. Instead of simply saying, "Clean up now," try explaining the importance of tidying up: "When we clean up, we make sure we have space to play and the toys stay safe for next time." This gives your child a reason to comply, and it shows them that you're not just being bossy, but you’re working together toward a common goal.

2. EXPLORE: Dive Into Their World

Explaining things is one piece of the puzzle, but exploring your child’s world is where the magic happens. Strong-willed children often resist because they feel unheard or misunderstood. They have their own thoughts, emotions, and reasons for acting the way they do. It’s important to take the time to explore those feelings, even if they seem irrational.

When your child is acting out, don’t just jump to correcting the behavior. Pause and ask open-ended questions like, "What made you feel upset?" or "Can you tell me what’s going on in your mind?" It’s not about just finding a solution to the problem—it’s about acknowledging and validating your child’s experience.

A simple exploration might look like this: your child is angry because they didn’t get the snack they wanted. Instead of dismissing their feelings, you could say, "I see you’re upset because you wanted that snack. Can you help me understand why it’s so important to you right now?" In this moment, you’re not only showing empathy but also learning how to navigate future situations by understanding their perspective.

3. EMPOWER: Give Them a Sense of Control

The final E is empowerment, and this is where you can turn those moments of resistance into opportunities for growth. Strong-willed children often crave control over their lives, and when they feel like they have none, they dig in their heels even harder. But when you empower them to make choices, they feel more respected and less likely to rebel.

Think about this: if you’re constantly telling your child what to do, they might start to feel like their voice doesn’t matter. But by giving them small, manageable choices, you show them that they have a say in their own life.

For example, instead of commanding your child to wear a particular outfit, you could give them options: "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red one today?" or "Would you like to play for 10 more minutes or 15 minutes?" This creates a sense of autonomy, helping them feel like they’re part of the decision-making process.

The key here is not to create a free-for-all, but to allow for reasonable choices. This gives them the power to control the small things while still maintaining structure and boundaries.

Putting It All Together

The 3E’s—Explain, Explore, and Empower—are designed to create a more positive, respectful dynamic between you and your strong-willed child. Rather than focusing on punishment or trying to break their resistance, this approach helps build a connection based on understanding, empathy, and respect.

So next time you’re faced with a challenge, try taking a deep breath and asking yourself: Am I explaining why we need to do this? Am I taking the time to explore what my child is feeling? Am I giving them a sense of control where I can?

Parenting a strong-willed child isn’t easy, but by using the 3E’s, you can shift the way you handle resistance—transforming frustration into opportunity and fostering a deeper bond with your child.

Example Check-in Questions for Parents

To understand how well you are applying the 3Es, use the short example checklist below and simply ask yourself, how often do you do the following?

Explain:

• Explain to your child how they feel about their good and bad behaviour?

• Give your child reasons why rules should be obeyed and how the consequences impact your child directly?

• Help your child to understand the impact of his/her behaviour by encouraging them to talk about the consequences of their own actions?

Explore:

• Focus on patiently understanding why your children are feeling the way they do?

• Feel confident your children will not develop bad character traits just because they’re feeling sad, angry or worried?

• Use times of unhappiness, fear or anger to show each other support, offer guidance and help each other solve problems?

Empower:

• Give your child input into rules, solutions, strategies and routines?

• Show respect by encouraging your child to express their opinions?

• Feel comfortable with your child having a difference of opinion with you?

How did you do? What’s one area where you could apply at least one of 3E principles with your child this week? How do you think it might change the way they respond to you? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let’s keep this conversation going.

Faye Sim

Counsellor